Growing Up Gay
Growing up gay, is exhausting and traumatic. People that are still uneducated and think that humans choose their sexuality are obviously oblivious. Would I choose to live traumatically in a heterosexual mans world? NO! After reading Alan Downs amazing book on growing up gay in a straight mans world “The Velvet Rage” (https://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overcoming-Growing-Straight/dp/1611746450), I realized that a lot of my actions and growth were all rooted from having to grow up in a straight mans world, let’s break it down below.
Let’s start with childhood, remember being bullied by other kids about your sexuality, when you didn’t even know your own sexuality. I remember being called a “faggot” & gay as a way of being teased when I was in elementary school & I didn’t even know what those words meant. The amount of times I questioned my own existence is truly sad! Now, I am not suicidal, but I do believe that it is normal to have a question about your existence, especially when majority of your life, you are bullied and threatened because of your sexuality that you have yet to discover! We live in a cruel world *Correction, we live in a cruel straight mans world*. This is why we have high suicide rates in our LGBTQ+ community. No one should ever go through the experience of having their authentic self thrown in their face.
Now, when we are discovering our sexuality and what gay sex is, we question, what does it mean to be gay and have sexual relations? Back in my era of coming out (I can’t believe I am dating myself), but 10 years ago when I came out, the only gay icons represented were stereotypical gay roles in tv/film. I had to learn about sex and all things gay through porn, which that alone has its own issues, because sex is never as glamorous as porn!
Coming out, why is it that us queer humans have to come out? Do we ask straight people to announce their heterosexual relationships? No! I dont even need to explain this section of trauma because the question above, is enough for the reader to get how hard it can be to be gay! The amount of anxiety I had when coming out to my mom and friends was the most nauseating feeling, I have ever experienced.
Now everyones experience is different, but you can see how this can be traumatic right? Now let’s go over the stages!
We have 3 stages of shame.
1. Overwhelmed by shame: This stage is where we are figuring out our sexuality, we “come out” and really are in a cluster fuck! Some of us can form internal homophobia because of the overwhelming feeling of society not accepting us!
2. Compensating for shame: Now this is post “coming out” and you are owning your sexuality or so you think! In this phase (which can be the longest) we are lost in the sauce, so to speak, hey, I just ended this phase recently (took 10 years). We see a lot of gay men overcompensate for their time missed, being out and free! We see a lot of the childhood trauma come out with failed relationships, etc. A lot of men will date other men for just the aesthetic or the thought that they need a boyfriend to be an accomplished gay man (Universe knows I had my moments), some guys will turn to drugs, circuit parties or working out so much that it becomes an obsession of physicality. We all know how high, body dysmorphia is in the gay community especially that majority of us are insecure and have had traumatic childhood experiences! It took me years to accept who I am and to work on my self-esteem and worth. Once you are ready to leave this stage (unfortunately some gay men, never are) then comes stage 3.
3. Cultivating authenticity: See I never thought there would be a day where I would prefer a wine night or a cute dinner moment than going out to a gay bar. Now when you reach this stage, it doesn’t mean your nightlife era dies, it means that you are not going out to validate your sexuality and trauma. You are existing in your sexuality and truly getting to know yourself. We are more than just “being gay”. Being gay is beautiful but we shouldn’t let labels from bigots have us confined in a gay box. Being gay looks different for every gay human. This knowledge is what cultivating authenticity is about.
Dick brain, I just want to touch on something that Alan brought up which is “dick brain”, we all know when we get horny, we aren’t thinking the smartest, right?! Well in stage 2 of shedding our trauma, having a body count can make us feel like we are worthy because it gives us this idea that we are hot and other gay men want us. Once you hit stage 3, you realize that its more about the quality rather than the quantity, I challenge all the gay men and actually everyone reading this, next time your dick gets hard, think for at least a few seconds, is the hookup/body count worth it, or can you masturbate and save your energy for a worthy connection?
While we are talking about sex, let’s talk about consent! In the gay community we see a lot of harassment go unreported or not talked about. Yes, we have a sexual liberation vibe in the clubs etc, but that does not give ANYONE, permission to touch someone without consent. The amount of times my ass and dick have been grabbed is honestly horrifying! As men, society teaches us to brush things off and not be emotional, but enough is enough. Let’s talk about our trauma and also bring awareness to harassment that happens in our community! Go have fun and celebrate your sexuality but also protect yourselves! *Also, enough with the unsolicited dick pics*.
Reading this book was amazing and really opened my eyes to a lot of my childhood trauma's I was holding onto from being bullied & growing up gay. Where I am now in stage 3 is fucking amazing. I am a proud gay, demisexual, Latino man! I had a lot of ups and downs in my journey but here we are fam! Shoutout to the amazing, accepting parents out there, I always loved that my mom didn’t force me to play sports or do “manly” things, she dressed me in pinks and purples, she let me dance and sing to Disney songs, it felt liberating when I wasn’t in school with the bullies and I was home getting my pop culture on! She didn’t even realize she was creating a safe space for me and my discovery! Thank you mom! To the future parents or bigots out there, if your son wants to wear pink or listen to Britney Spears, let him do it! Music & colors dont have genders, fuck the binary!
Love, Antonio ❤
Podcast about this post: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7H1GUWGJOehxjL2lNOs6sE?si=cb9e1496711042f6
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/nana-tingz/id1524578079?i=1000559365493
