Taking Back My Narrative!
My trauma is my trauma and no one can have a say in that anymore!
I read an amazing book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson. The author explains how there are different kinds of emotionally immature parents and how their emotionally neglecting parenting affects their children (specifically in adulthood)! I recommend that everyone, should read this especially if they feel like they have some loose ends from their childhood. I know I did and once I dove in deeper, I didn’t realize how much trauma I had, until acknowledging this wounds. So let’s dive in a bit deeper and see what I learned.
I grew up in a single parent household, where my mom had to work multiple jobs for us to have a roof over our head and I took on the father/role model role for my younger brother. This situation is already set up to be disastrous! Now my mother was an amazing physical mother, she worked her ass off to bring in food, when I was sick, made sure I was getting healthy and made sure we always had a roof. I thank her for that, but the one thing that was missing was emotional intimacy! Lindsay Gibson talks about 4 types of emotional immature parents and the first one is “Emotional Parent” which my mother falls under. This kind of EI (emotional immature) parent is very reactive and explosive, they can tend to have passive aggressive behavior and can be over dramatic! With this comes dismissiveness to their children's emotions & needs! Humans are creatures at the end of the day and we all want to be heard! When a parent does not satisfy us emotionally as children it will lead to a lot of future problems when we become teenagers and adults! For me, I was always trying to fix situations and attracted damaged humans. I got the most attention from my mom when I was helping solve something or was a listening ear for her venting/dumping! On top of this, I was also physically and verbally abused by her, I started normalizing her abuse as if it is a part of the “son role”, to take a hit, and still be loyal & help! Do you see how toxic that is? The amount of anger and resentment that manifested in me as the years went on was so triggering to me that I would explode! This started clouding my judgement, how could a woman I admired so much, treat me like shit?
Normalizing abuse and being the fixer of the family is totally a mind fuck. It resulted into me wanting to date guys that “needed to be fix”. I thought love validation only came to me if I was needed. What, I didn’t realize, until now is that I just wanted love from my mom. This all leads to self love as well, I am important! My worth does not depend on if I can fix my mom or a man! I was in an abusive relationship in 2017 that got violent at one point and I allowed him to still be around after, that was a result from my normalized abusive childhood! I am on a road of unwiring these conditioned patterns from my childhood. It is beautiful to be 29 going on 30, and to have a rebirth happening in front of me. I am getting to experience & say all the things that younger Antonio wanted to say. I dont need anyone else to make me feel loved, I am loved by myself. I am here to be a good human and leave a beautiful mark on this Earth. I am taking back my narrative and living my life how younger Antonio would want to! No limitations, no chains and no more suffocation. Owning my narrative ❤!
Love, Antonio
More of my work: antonioliranzo.com/links
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/antonioiliranzo/
Related podcast episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4tX28WnwgNc5RQo0e9zfGy?si=dEKwY8hZQ8aoTBmO4x1euQ
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/taking-back-my-narrative/id1524578079?i=1000538579465
